I Love to Laugh
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Volume One
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Commentaries
by Walter Ness

An observer of life's many ironies.

Paris Hilton, she looks like Barbie, acts like Ken.


Finally a weight loss program that works. It's the Dr. Phil diet. You spend so much time telling people how to live their lives that you have no time to eat. I lost twenty pounds, gained back ten while I was replacing all the friends I lost due to my new behavior. That's the problem with any new system -- always some side effects.


I had a complaint, so I called the Complaint Department. Each person I talked to transferred me to someone else, who transferred me to someone else, till I got transferred to someone who refused to answer the phone.

Now I'm experiencing manic- compulsive behavior. Some part of my mind is wondering non-stop if that last phone number was a paid position. Is there really a want ad out there that says, "Now hiring, must know how Not to answer the phone!"


I read that what makes us human beings similar to computers is the "baud rate." The baud rate for computers is how fast they can communicate through a medium such as a modem.

It was implied that the baud rate for a woman is how fast she can talk, while the baud rate for a man is how fast he can listen.

Without deliberating on how valid such a hypothesis is that compares human beings to computers, I would like to make one correction, -- that the baud rate for a human male actually means three things:·

  • How fast he can listen.
  • How fast he can ignore what he is listening to.
  • How fast he can forget what he just heard.

No one has done themselves greater harm than the person who has lived up to my expectations.

Walter Ness

Recipe for Lovers' Delight
     
Romance entitles you
to be appreciated
for the richness
of your personality
.
     
What you desire shows good taste;
what fulfills you shows good judgment.
        
The time in between desire and fulfillment should be a pleasure in itself.
        
A happy meal for lovers
is a small portion of food
and a big portion of each other.
        
A menu is like a lover
when it shows endless possibilities
for satisfaction.
        
Flowers compliment
better than words
and get better results
than all the words in the dictionary.
        
Holding hands warms two people;
hands in pockets just warm pockets.
        
The fruit of labor
is the offspring of love.
        
The Sweetest Part of Arlington - for those of you who don't know the secret, it's the Lakota Bakery, 1375 Massachusetts Ave. in Arlington Heights.  It's hard to imagine when you enter through their door that you are entering Cookie Paradise.  The people working there are always in a good mood and you can taste that in each cookie.  The price for each piece of sweetness is more than reasonable.  If you can't laugh but you need to put a smile on your face, or on someone else's face, try a Lakota cookie.
              
Soy sauce on lips
turns kissing into an appetizer.

  
Q: Why are photographers the best marriage material?
A: Because they like picture-perfect babies and they don't mind being kept in the dark.