When I was two years old my parents gave up their traditional religion and joined a cult. They became Samsonites.

There are two Samsonite cults. The most popular, their members take all their luggage to church service with them. In the second group of Samsonites, which may parents joined, their custom forbids them to shave or cut their hair or drink anything stronger that Poland Spring sparkling water.

My parents wanted to join the first Samsonite cult but they were so poor that they couldn't afford to buy any luggage. My parents were so poor that they couldn't afford to buy more than one piece of furniture. Instead of a cradle my parents kept me inside of a washing machine.

While other kids in the neighborhood were growing up believing they were brought into the world by a stork, I grew up believing I was brought into the world by the Maytag repairman.

Besides a washing machine, the only thing we had were a lot of kids. Our apartment was so small it was standing room only.

Christmas was the most popular time in our household. We all took turns standing inside the chimney. It was the only place where you could get any privacy.

When my parents took me to see Santa Claus, I couldn't sit on Santa's lap because I didn't know how to bend at the knees.