My girlfriend likes to say, "We don't have to lock the doors and windows of our apartment. We live in a safe neighborhood." Two weeks ago I bought a new giant size TV, and someone walked into our apartment and stole it.

They took the TV but not the remote. Every once in a while, very late at night, I get this urge to drive around with the remote in my hand, pointing it at people's houses to see if I can turn on someone's TV and find the culprit.

I have trouble accepting the criminal mentality of our society. In the sixties, crime was viewed very differently. We were living in Chicago, and if there was just a hint of possible crime in our neighborhood, people would install a Chihuahua in their homes for protection.

Chihuahuas can only do three things. They eat, bark and go into seizures. The Chihuahua has a very simple nervous system. When it sees a person, friend or foe, the Chihuahua will start barking. If it sees two or more people the Chihuahua's nervous system will become overloaded. The Chihuahua will roll on its back and start twitching.

Today, to feel safe in your home, you need radar, laser and sound detectors. It all has to be hooked up to some computer crime detection center. For added security, you will have to get a couple of dogs, a German shepherd and a Doberman is ideal. And if you're still afraid that all of this is not enough to make you feel safe, I strongly suggest getting a Chihuahua as a backup system.