Whenever I get lonely I advertise, "Lonely, seek company. Come after six p.m." I just finished getting ready when the doorbell rang. I opened the door and counted heads. One, two, three, four, a party pack. I said, "Come on it!"

Dorothy comes in, the Lion comes in, the Tinman comes in and the Scarecrow comes in. They come into the living room and sit down in the corner. Dorothy says, "I want to go home." The Lion says, "I'm scared." The Tinman says, "I want a heart." The Scarecrow says, "I want to be human."

For three hours they sit in the corner and all I keep hearing is, "I want to go home. I'm scared. I want a heart. I want to be human." I decided to put a stop to it. The Scarecrow says, "I want to be human." I says, "Why? If you become a human being you will have to buy food, rent a place to live, get a job, buy insurance."

"I want to be human!" yells the Scarecrow.

"Why? As you are, you can go stand in any corn patch and no one is going to bother you. You can walk down any street at night and not worry. Who's going to mug a scarecrow!"

"I want to be human!"

"If you don't make it as a human being you'll wind up working for the IRS. You'll be scaring people instead of crows."

"I want to go home! I'm scared! I want a heart! Silence!"

The Tinman says, "I want a heart!"

I say, "Why? Everyone knows oil and having a heart doesn't mix. Oil doesn't carry oxygen very well. If they put blood inside you to supply oxygen for the heart you'll rust."

"I want a heart!"

"What's the matter with you, you've got some screws loose, your programming gone faulty? Is the only objective in your life is to wind up as scrap metal?"

"I want to go home! I'm scared! Silence! Silence!"

The Lion says, "I'm scared!"

I say, "Scared? Scared? Tiny, tiny, tiny! Small, small, small! Scared isn't where it's at. Paranoia is where it's at. One of my friends is trying to get me and I don't know which one and I don't know why."

The Lion looked at the Scarecrow, looked at the Tinman, looked at Dorothy, looked up at me and says, "I'm terrified."

I say, "Now you got it."

It was Dorothy's turn. She says, "I want to go home!"

I say, "Who's stopping you?" They all got up and left. There was a knocking on my window. I drew the shades. It's the Wicked Witch! She came over because she's lonely. She wants to know if she can stay for a little while.

I say, "Sure, if you promise to be good."

She says, "How kinky, I never tried that before."

Dorothy, the Tinman, the Scarecrow and the Lion came back a week later. The Tinman says to me, "If I want to go all the way for a heart, I'm going for it!" The Scarecrow says, "If I don't make it as a human being, that's my concern and not yours!" The Lion says, "I'm not scared of you!" Dorothy says, "Can we come in?"

We had a good time. It's interesting how people can change once you get to know them. Dorothy said she'd like to come back, Wizard allowing.