There is a magazine that yearly publishes 50 pictures of the most beautiful people in the world. What does that make the rest of us -- ugly? This yearly edition got me thinking about men, their roles and lot in life. The thing that I don't like about the male culture is that every time a guy tries to look beautiful, all the other guys will try to beat the crap out of him.

Guys are not supposed to look beautiful, they are supposed to look rugged. What I notice about rugged-looking guys is that they become fast food managers, while good-looking guys get to work in the movies, TV, advertising. Men, it's time to wake up and allow ourselves to look beautiful. Beautiful people make big bucks. Beautiful people don't work for a living, they suntan for a living.

Women claim that they could run the world better. Let them. With our audio-video entertainment center, exercise equipment, and computer super-highway, we men can stay home, exercise at our leisure, and become expert movie critics, music connoisseurs, and gourmet cooks. We can educate ourselves in massage, acupuncture, and other forms of esoteric and spiritual knowledge.

Consider the job market these days and what are you seeking. Every man who get his first job looks relatively good. Ever notice the shape of a man's face when he finally retires? These men don't need watches at their retirement, they need plastic surgery.

What do you get for all your trouble holding on to that job? You get bald, fat, you wind up with clogged arteries and a defective sexual area. Your kids hate you for not spending enough time with them and your wife is always complaining about missing out.

Now if you let your wife go and become the breadwinner, by the time she's ready to retire she'll be needing plastic surgery, while you'll be fit, sophisticated, have all your hair, and be horny and as good-looking as when you were in your twenties.

And what exactly do you have to do to get this Shangri-La? Wake the wife in the morning and fill her up with caffeinated coffee so she becomes hyperactive. This will cause her to get dressed quicker and be out the door, pronto.

Now you've got the whole day to yourself. If you want the nights for yourself, start spending her money faster than she can earn it. This will force her to work overtime. You want your weekends free? Convince her to become a Jehovah's Witness. Every weekend, she'll be walking around the neighborhood, knocking on doors, trying to convince the neighbors to convert.

You want extra free time during the week. When the woman gets home, feed her a light meal, and then give her a nice leisurely massage. A good massage will work on her as if you both made love. A half-hour of stroking and she'll fall asleep as quickly as if she had an orgasm.

Don't forget the acupuncture needles in case you're too lazy for giving her a massage. Throw a couple of needles here and there, the chi-energy will start flowing, and she'll be in a hypnotic like state for hours.

The best part of this is that you will have job security. If she divorces you, you'll get alimony, you're cultured, in shape, and with all that on-the-job training it won't be too long before another woman comes by, takes one look at your resume, and you'll be quickly reemployed.